Social psychologist releases guide on when to share difficult truths

Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns published a new book this month that addresses a common social dilemma: deciding whether to speak up or stay silent.

The book, titled 'Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself,' came out in October. It provides research-backed strategies for determining when honesty helps and when it hurts.

Bohns argues that honesty is not always the best policy. She states that truth only has value if it serves an instrumental purpose for the other person.

The concept of withholding negative information has a specific name in psychology: the MUM effect. This term describes the tendency to minimize unpleasant messages. Bohns explains that it pains people to embarrass or hurt others, so they often avoid giving difficult feedback.

To help readers navigate these moments, Bohns suggests asking three questions before sharing an opinion.

The first question is whether the information is helpful. Bohns notes that people often worry too much about the content of their message and forget that the act of speaking up communicates care. She advises that feedback should help someone perform better, avoid embarrassment, or learn something about themselves. If the feedback is mean-spirited or cannot be acted upon, it is usually better to remain quiet. For example, telling a roommate their birthday cake tastes bad is unkind, but offering that same feedback before a baking competition would be helpful.

The second question is whether the recipient would want to hear the truth. Bohns cites a 2022 survey that found people consistently underestimate others' desire for feedback. In that study, researchers placed visible smudges of lipstick, chocolate, or marker on participants' faces. They then walked down the street without acknowledging the smudges and asked strangers to participate in a survey on a different topic. Less than 3% of the strangers spoke up to point out the marks. Bohns says this shows that people often stay silent to avoid their own discomfort rather than to be kind.

The third question is whether the other person actually wants the feedback. Bohns warns against assuming you know what information someone else needs. She advises asking the other person if they want your input and then respecting their decision. This approach gives the recipient autonomy and prevents well-meaning advice from sounding patronizing.