Psychologist advises on when to share difficult feedback

Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns released a new book in October that addresses the challenge of deciding when to share honest opinions. The work, titled Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share, and What to Keep to Yourself, offers strategies for navigating personal communication. Bohns argues that the difficulty often lies not in finding the right words, but in determining whether to speak at all.

Bohns, who is based in the United States, notes that honesty is not always the optimal choice. She states that honesty is the best policy only when the message has instrumental value. If a statement is honest but does not help the recipient, silence may be preferable. This approach aims to reduce the discomfort people feel when conveying critical information.

The book discusses the MUM effect, a phenomenon where people minimize unpleasant messages. Bohns explains that it is natural for individuals to feel pain when they must embarrass or hurt others. This internal friction leads many to withhold feedback that could be beneficial. The research suggests that with intention, people can make informed choices about when to voice their thoughts.

Bohns proposes three questions to consider before sharing an opinion. The first question is whether the information is helpful. She advises that feedback should be actionable. An opinion helps if it allows someone to perform better, avoid embarrassment, or learn something about themselves. If the feedback is mean-spirited or cannot be enacted, it is often better to remain quiet.

An example from the book illustrates this point. Telling a roommate that her birthday cake tastes terrible is generally unkind. However, if that same roommate plans to enter the cake in a baking competition, offering feedback becomes valuable. The context of the situation determines whether the truth serves a useful purpose for the recipient.

The second question asks whether the speaker would want to hear the same feedback. A 2022 survey found that people often underestimate others' desire for feedback. In that study, researchers placed visible smudges of lipstick, chocolate, or marker on participants' faces. They then asked strangers on the street to join a survey on a different topic without mentioning the smudges. Less than 3 percent of the survey participants pointed out the marks, even though the researchers would have wanted to know.

The third question is whether the other person wants the feedback. Bohns warns against assuming that one knows what information another person needs. Pre-assessing how valuable the truth is to someone else can make well-meaning advice sound patronizing. The book suggests asking the other person if they want to hear the feedback. This approach gives the recipient autonomy and allows the speaker to respect their decision.

The book also offers advice on sharing good news, apologizing, and showing vulnerability. Bohns emphasizes that the choice to speak communicates care. It signals to the other person that the speaker sees them and wants to help. By applying these principles, individuals can manage the balance between honesty and social comfort in daily interactions.